Description:
In this episode, Kelli talks about her struggles with infertility that led her to the option of IVF. With her first round of IVF failing she turns to adoption and the way she finds a family is not how you would expect. Kelli also shares what it was like to find out she got pregnant naturally by surprise.
Disclaimer: This podcast is intended for educational purposes only with no intention of giving or replacing any medical advice. I, Kiona Nessenbaum, am not a licensed medical professional. All advice that is given on the podcast is from the personal experience of the storytellers. All medical or health-related questions should be directed to your licensed provider.
Want to hear about another surprise pregnancy? Check out episode 53- Angela Hodge-Miscarriage Vaginal Births-Angela Hodge Birth Services
Resources:
- Resolve: The National Infertility Association: https://resolve.org/
- Preeclampsia Foundation: https://preeclampsia.org/
- Perinatal Support of Washington: https://perinatalsupport.org/
- Postpartum Support International: https://www.postpartum.net
Definitions:
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Transcription of Episode 66:
Intro 0:08
Welcome to Birth As We Know It, a podcast that is dedicated to recognizing the many different ways that birth unfolds. I am your host, Kiona Nessenbaum. I have experienced birth as a doula, a student midwife, a birth assistant, and as a mother of three amazing children of my own. After attending over 140 births, I’ve realized that each birth experience is truly unique. So make sure you subscribe and join me as we are guided through many different birth experiences through the lens of the storyteller. Please be aware that some of these stories can be triggering to hear. So feel free to pause, take a breath, and come back and listen whenever you’re ready. With that said, let’s prep ourselves to dive deep and get detailed about what really happens in the birth state.
Disclaimer 1:06
As a reminder, this podcast is intended for educational purposes only and has no intention of giving or replacing any medical advice. All advice that is given on the podcast is from the personal experiences of the storytellers. All medical or health related questions should be directed to your license provider.
Kiona 1:25
Before we dive into this episode today, I just want to say that by you listening to this podcast right now, you’re officially a BAWKI Community member. In order to take that one step further, I would love for you to join the private BAWKI community on Facebook. You can do that by going to
birthasweknowitpodcast. com/community. Every Friday I ask a question to get the conversations moving. Now if you like this episode, I would also suggest to listen to episode 53 with Angela Hodge. Angela also experiences a surprise third pregnancy. So tune in to that one as well to hear about what she does differently. All right, let’s get into this episode.
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Birth As We Know It podcast Today I am excited to share with you the guest that I have is Kelli Tuttle, and Kelli will be talking to us today about the three births of her three kiddos, Nathan, Julia and Talia. So Kelly, thank you so much for coming on.
Kelli 2:30
Thank you.
Kiona 2:31
Go ahead and start off by telling us a little bit about yourself and who’s in your family.
Kelli 2:36
I am 57, so I am a lot older than most of your guests. I have a husband, Jim, and the three kids that you mentioned. So Jim and I, dated like five years, then. We finally got married and we’ve been married 29 years early in our journey, even before we got married. I ended up having Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I found out when I was a substitute teacher and I was like 25 years old. And I remember the resident. he said, If I had to pick a cancer for my mom or my sister, I’d pick Hodgkin’s. It’s the most curable cancer besides thyroid cancer. So, you know, it all went fine. I had radiation treatment, no chemo. But, you know, they did radiate like three and a half weeks in my lower body. So I was always worried if this was going to affect my fertility or anything like that, because I always knew I really wanted kids So we started trying. Even before we got married. and it just took a really long time.
Kiona 3:36
knowing that you had to go through those radiations that’s really intense and scary and concerning, especially with it being in your lower body and having concerns about fertility. So when you realize that you kept trying for a while and nothing was happening, what decision did you make then?
Kelli 3:56
Yeah, we tried for a while, and then I would go to my doctor, get some things checked out, Then she suggested that Jim go and get a whole workup and get checked out. And while he was doing all of his check out, they found out he had thyroid cancer, the number one most curable cancer. So we both got cancer, but we both got like easy kinds of cancer, I guess. so that put a pause on the whole. I mean, we still we didn’t stop trying, but, you know, we just had other things we had to take care of with him before we could try again. And but then we started with Clomid and then we did the I think you called it IUI the insemination. I was doing more with like the OB-GYNs I was meeting and finding out about the doctors at the University of Wisconsin Medical School and then, you know, IVF really was really expensive facilities but was really expensive. And so I found a place in Waukesha that’s about an hour drive from my house that would do it a little bit cheaper than right here in Madison. So after four years of marriage, I would drive there, a couple of times a week and they were able to retrieve nine embryos and they put in three fresh right away and they froze the others. And it didn’t work. So we went back two different times and did the frozen embryos. but overall, nothing worked. So I started looking into adoption and my husband wasn’t sure if he wanted to adopt. And he definitely wanted a baby that looked like our family. So we were, exploring a lot of things. We did look at international, but then we decided to try for local. but finding a local healthy baby is hard. we went to two different agencies and it didn’t work out with them. I don’t remember what happened with an agency called Special Beginnings, but I do know with Lutheran Social Services, they told us that they could serve 12 families per year with the whole adoption process. So they would do a lottery and pick 12 people a year. We didn’t get picked. So our third agency was called Children’s Service Society of Wisconsin. They still exist, but They only do special needs adoptions now, I think. But we finally got accepted by them and got in with them and started to pursue adoption.
Kiona 6:14
Wow. Yeah, that’s a journey for sure. going through that first process of IVF and realizing that things weren’t sticking, what was going through your mind?
Kelli 6:24
It was super depressing that, you know, going through all those things and then every time you’d get your period and you’d be like, Oh my God, it didn’t work again, you know, and trying to be hopeful and trying to be positive and hope it would work, but then it wouldn’t. My brother, my younger brother, he got married the same year as us and he they got pregnant pretty easily. I attended the birth of my nephew in 97 and it was just really hard because I was trying so hard to get pregnant and it wasn’t working. But he was pregnant. But I watched that birth and she had a terrible birth. She was in labor for like 40 hours. when he finally came out, was like blue. And they were like, turn off the video camera because we were videotaping. And then I ran to get her mother, the grandma and I brought her, like to the you know, how they have the birthing room. And then they had that little extra room next to it where they often have the baby. And I brought her over there like we were kind of appearing in at him and and then they slammed the door on us like wouldn’t let us see the baby. I think they were super worried about him. So that was kind of scary to see that. But also, like I said, it was a little, I guess, part of a jealous part. He was sad. I was happy for them. But, you know, sad that it wasn’t happening for us and things like that.
Kiona 7:38
Right. Yeah, that can definitely be really challenging. how did that experience impact your relationship with your brother? Did it hinder your guys relationship at all?
Kelli 7:48
I think we kept it. Okay. I can remember during those 40 hours of labor, we went down to the cafeteria to get some food and he said something like, you better get going. You’re not getting any younger, you know, because at this point I would have been, I think, 31. And I’m like, you jerk, we are trying we’re trying hard here, you know? I think it was just a little slip up. Usually he’s a very sensitive guy, but it did affect my friendship with some of my teacher friends. Like, you know, when they’re all having babies. just naturally we had some distance because they had these new young babies and I was struggling, you know, And so it was it was a very hard time.
Kiona 8:27
Yeah, that sounds really challenging because it kind of seems like it just turns into hyper focus.
Kelli 8:33
Yes. Yes. You noticed? Yes. Every pregnant person, every ad about strollers and diapers and. Yeah. Yeah. You do have become hyper focused. Definitely.
Kiona 8:43
Yeah. So it doesn’t make it any easier. So tell me about the moment that you realized that you were chosen to adopt Nathan.
Kelli 8:53
Well, it was really kind of cool, you know how People put a letter in their Christmas card, like, Oh, this is my family. This is what we did this year, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, I made this one that said, like, This is a letter asking you for help. We’re trying to build our family right now. And so if you hear of anybody who has an unplanned pregnancy, please even have like a little cut off here and give them the bottom of this letter. And I had it was basically like an adoption profile that showed my husband and I, our house, our dog, it talked about what we wanted and things like that. And one of my friends who is a teacher in Eau Claire. At her school, there was an educational assistant whose 15 year old daughter was pregnant. And, you know, at 15, the boyfriend was a little bit older. The family was kind of distraught. They didn’t really know what they were going to do. I don’t know if they would have considered abortion, but it was kind of too late. By the time they all figured it out. So my friend gave her this letter, and in the letter it asked her to call our adoption agency. And they had an office in Eau Claire. And so she started to go to counseling there. And then they set up a meeting for us to go and meet her and meet her family and stuff like that. So it was super exciting. But the family they had four children. And this this girl who was 15 was their oldest child. So they still had a girl who was like in third grade. And we were really scared that they were just going to keep the baby because they’re is a very loving family with four kids. And you know could just easily see them just saying like, No, we’re just going to bring this baby into our family. And so we were we were very worried that she would change your mind. But yeah, we kept having meetings. And this this is an open adoption. It was an it is still an open adoption. And at the time, I didn’t really know much about that, you know, And so I was a little bit worried because, the birth family could be crazy or overbearing or, you know, I can remember the I think the very first meeting we went to, it was still wintertime. And I think I, I put snow on my license plate. So, like, they couldn’t it’s just dumb. But I just like or they’re, you know, crazy. I don’t want them, like stalking us or something like that. But they turned out to be a wonderful family. And over the years, they feel like sort of how your in-laws feel, Right. They weren’t the family you were born with, but they’re now part of your family. And it turned out to be a really, really great situation. So, the birth mom was due originally in May. She knew it was a boy. I asked her what names she was thinking about and she said she was thinking about Zachary or Nathan. And then I looked at the names. And Nathan means gift from God. So I’m like, Oh, I think we better go with Nathan. So? So we both the birth mom and I agreed on Nathan. And like I said, she was supposed to due in May, if everything was accurate, she got prenatal care a little bit later than some people, but it was April of 2000. I was on spring break from my teaching. I was out to dinner with a whole bunch of teachers. And this is in the day before. People had cell phones. And my husband called me at the restaurant and said the birth mom had called him and that the baby was born. And so I still remember my my friends all wrote little notes on napkins and things. And then I told the waiter, like, can you pack my food to go? I just had a baby.
So we went home and we called our parents and things like that. And we decided not to drive up that night because there’s already a little bit that we would get up early in the morning and drive. And so we did. But we went to the wrong hospital first, and then we looked over for a flower shop. So we wasted a lot of time. And by the time we got there, they’re like, Oh, we wouldn’t you ever coming you know? But it was very cool. so. Nathan was born at about, 420 in the afternoon. And so we saw him the next day and I got to change his diaper and feed him and things like that. And I almost feel like the birth mom went home that day, like 24 hours after birth. And so, like, they just let us stay in the room and hang out with the baby and feed the baby. And it was really great. But in Wisconsin, in those days, the laws were different, and the law was that the baby had to go to foster care for about a month until the parent’s rights were terminated. Logically, I can understand why that is, so that you don’t have the situation where the baby is with me, and then the mom changes their mind and the baby gets taken away. But it was so hard to put him into foster care for a month. At least the foster parents, there were mom and dad with three boys, and they were really great. And they let us come visit every weekend and things like that. But it was still hard to kind of know you have this baby, but yet the baby is not with you. So it’s about a two and a half hour drive from our house and we still had jobs. And so we would go to work Monday through Friday and then we would go up there for the weekend. And the same woman who handed the letter to the birth mom, she would let us stay with them and we would even go get the baby from the foster parents and bring the baby to her house. we got to hang out with them every weekend. So that was good.
Kiona 14:22
Oh, that’s awesome. And I also wanted to say how cool that your Christmas letter that you sent out actually worked.
Kelli 14:29
Yeah, I know. I didn’t ever think it would work, but it was so cool that it did.
Kiona 14:35
So what was the next step that happened after that month of foster care was finalized?
Kelli 14:41
There were two teeny glitches. One, he has a little bit of Native American blood. And so when that happens, they have to pursue the the tribal leaders, and get the leaders to sign off to say that it’s okay. So that may be added a week maybe. They had terminated the fathers rights just in the adoption agency, I think. And we got to meet him also one day we met him separate from the birth mom. It was kind of cool to talk to him, but he was a 17 year old teenage boy. It was just. Pretty interesting, and we felt ancient by that point. But anyway, the birth family, the whole birth family took Nathan for Easter. Easter was really late that year and they, they brought him to their house for Easter and they bought us some gifts to bring home with him and things like that. But finally we knew that the day before he was one month old, that was when the birth mom was going to the courthouse and she had her rights terminated. And we were waiting at the foster family. And then as soon as her rights were terminated, they called the foster family. And then we were good to go and we could we could take him home.
Kiona 15:50
Nice. That’s awesome. So how did that drive home feel?
Kelli 15:54
Well, it was super awesome. And he slept the whole way. I sat in the backseat with him, and my husband drove until we were within 20 to 30 minutes of our house. And this horrible thunderstorm came and the baby woke up and was crying. It was like the last the last 30 minutes is really stressful. But We go home very late, like 10 p.m.. But our neighbor had decorated our house with like, it’s a boy and balloons out front. And we had a golden retriever at the time, so we brought him in to meet the golden retriever and stuff like that.
Kiona 16:27
Oh, that sounds so awesome. Did you do anything with your dog prior? Like, did you let your dog smell blankets or hats of the baby before bringing him home? That First official day.
Kelli 16:37
Yeah, I think so. I think we did. I think the foster family let us bring some stuff home.
Kiona 16:43
Nice. That’s so cool.
Kelli 16:44
Yeah.
Kiona 16:45
So how did the feeding with Nathan go? Did you, try to initiate lactation in yourself, or did you just go straight to formula and just make sure that he was eating well?
Kelli 16:55
I tried one time, but had already been a month of formula for him, and so we just went with it and yeah, so he was formula fed and was really funny because of course everybody is different. Right? But I nursed my two other kids, but Nathan was always the healthiest, even though he was bottle fed. he never had colds. He was just always a very healthy kid.
Kiona 17:17
That’s awesome. That’s great. He just has some really good genes in him and. He’s a really healthy guy. That’s awesome. What was it like when you had him overnight for the first time? did you still have that initial parenting moment of sleep deprivation with having him?
Kelli 17:35
And I was, of course, because I’d waited so long. I mean, I had a friend who she kind of tried to tell me, but of course I didn’t listen. But to not overdo it, But I was just so happy to have this baby. There were many nights I would just lay in the nursery on the carpet and have my hand up in his crib. We’d struggled a lot with trying on his back or trying on his side, trying things. He wasn’t a real great sleeper, and then we called the foster parents and they had him sleep in his car seat most of the nights. So I took his car seat and put it in the crib. And he slept that way for a couple nights. But yeah, I mean, we we had to just we all had to adjust, but we did it
Kiona 18:18
Awesome. Awesome. That’s great. And did you or your husband experience any, like, postpartum mood disorders, anxieties or anything like that after Nathan was with you?
Kelli 18:27
Nope we were just so happy and everybody knew like the struggle we had gone through. So we had many, many, many visitors and many, many gifts. And people were just so awesome. And I brought him home on we brought him home on May 17th. So then I had the whole summer to be with him and stuff like that. And actually the adoption agency had a rule, which I think is a very good rule, but at least one parent has to stay home with the kid for the first six months. So I stayed with them like the first four months, and then my husband took off and stayed with them for the next two months.
Kiona 19:03
Yeah, I think that is a good rule because then it lets the. Baby adjust and get used to their parents. So at what point, after getting into the flow and rhythm of having Nathan and did you and your husband decide that you wanted to have a second child?
Kelli 19:18
Well, I always knew I wanted to have more than one. and then my husband worked for a national company called Kinko’s. It was those copy shops. They don’t exist anymore. But I think it was early in 2001. We found out they would cover 80% of in vitro, which was unheard of back then. And so we’re like, Oh my God, oh my God, we have to try again just because it’s like almost free, you know? And then we’ll try again. And then if it doesn’t work, we’ll get back on the adoption list and stuff like that. So. we started trying again. Yeah, like in the fall of 2000. So it was only, like six months old and we were starting to do the things again. Then it worked. think there was maybe six embryos and they put into and I actually have a photograph of the petri dish with two embryos, the ones they put in. I remember it was early December. Then I had the blood test and he said, like, the blood test shows you’re pregnant, but the numbers are really low. So we’re really worried. We think it might not stick. but it did stick. And I guess somehow by Christmas, we knew it was legit, because I remember I wrapped up a little special charm for my mom because at that point she had three grandsons, but no granddaughters yet. And so I wrapped up a little term for her and she opened on Christmas and found out she was having a grand daughter. So that was very cool and very fun.
Kiona 20:47
That sounds so sweet. I can’t even like. Oh, just the thought that goes announcements. I love that. And the fact that you kind of had to hide it from her a little bit and then she actually finds out that, yes, you’re having a granddaughter. That’s so exciting. That’s so exciting. when the providers put into embryos. were you also totally open to both of them sticking like having twins?
Kelli 21:11
Yes. I would have totally been happy having twins. Totally. because previous transfers hadn’t worked, I was even a little bit nervous, like, don’t we want to put in more than two But this was different because they were already growing pretty well. And so, one stuck. But I would have been happy if both did.
Kiona 21:31
So after you found out you were pregnant, did you experience any really intense pregnancy symptoms or cravings or anything like that?
Kelli 21:39
I don’t remember anything negative about that pregnancy. I was just so happy that I was finally pregnant and I had this great little boy, you know, little baby boy running around. So, it was just a really good, happy time for us.
Kiona 21:54
That’s beautiful. So throughout that pregnancy with Julia, did you decide to do any childbirth education to prep you for labor?
Kelli 22:04
Yes. Yes, we did. In fact, that’s what my kids asked me. When did you get your first cell phone, Mom? This is when I got my first cell phone because we were getting a babysitter for Nathan. So he’d go to the childbirth classes for Julia. maybe it had, like six sessions. It was offered through, our HMO. it was pretty much your basic stuff. Couples in the basement of the clinic and stuff like that. But when I ended up going to the last session, it was kind of special, I was due August 28th and I actually. Crazy, crazy thoughts you have, right? I actually thought I would like her to be late so I could get everything set up for school and I could meet my class and maybe do a day or two or a week with them. Then I wanted to have the baby and go on leave. Well, of course, babies have their own plans, right? it was July. We had just gotten a Sony camcorder and we had gone to the University of Wisconsin. it’s on a lake, beautiful terrace there. And you can have beer and brats, but you not have ice cream and popcorn and there’s ducks to feed. And we were walking around there, my husband and I, my son, testing out this new camcorder and making some little home movies, walking around again like I can remember the outfit I had. And I was so cute. We were so happy, you then that night we came home and we went to bed. And then, like at two in the morning, I felt like I had to go to the bathroom or something. So I went to the bathroom and fluid kept leaking out. And I think I sat in the bathroom for like an hour going like, is this urine or is this water in my, you know, did my water break? I don’t I don’t know what this is. I’m like there forever. And then finally I’m like, I think my water broke. And so I woke up my husband. At this point, it’s maybe like 330 in the morning or something, and he says, we should call the hospital. So at this point, I was five weeks earlier, five and a half weeks early, but I was never afraid. I was like, I don’t know. It just like somehow I knew it was going to be fine. I was never, ever afraid or worried about it. called the hospital and they said, Yes, we should come in. And we told them that we have this little boy, tiny boy, and then we had to wait for somebody to come take care of him. So I called my mom at like 4 a.m. again, because it was like five and a half weeks early, people weren’t expecting this yet, but she said she’d come down right away. But she’s a two and a half hour drive. Jim’s mother was closer, but she’s a lot older, like she was in her seventies. But anyway, we called her also hoping that she could get there faster. And she did get there maybe about 6 a.m. or so. And then that’s when we set off for the hospital. And when we got to the hospital, the people were like, We’ve been waiting for you. We’ve been waiting for you. Where have you been? I’m like, Oh, well, we had to wait for somebody to take care of the baby, you know? So yeah, we finally got there and they hooked me up to all the monitors and stuff, but everything seemed fine. Everything was fine.
Kiona 25:01
Good. I’m glad that everything was fine and having to navigate that childcare in the early labor stage can get really complicated sometimes.
Kelli 25:11
Especially when she came that early because we weren’t quite ready yet.
Kiona 25:14
Right? Yeah, exactly. So you were all hooked up and everything was fine. how did things progressed from there?
Kelli 25:22
So that was about 6 a.m. and she wasn’t born until like four in the afternoon it’s all just, I don’t know, progressed pretty normally. I think they had me try sitting on a yoga ball, walking around a little bit, but I was hooked up to everything, so I didn’t have very much movement, you know.
Kiona 25:41
Do you remember if you needed any kind of augmentation like Pitocin to help your labor go along? Or did you end up getting an epidural throughout your labor?
Kelli 25:51
So we didn’t need Pitocin and I did not have an epidural. I did have Ngubane and they just said it was like, take the edge off. That’s just what they described it as. I don’t know. So it just, maybe made it a little bit more tolerable. But I did not have an epidural. My mom showed up because the baby hadn’t been born and the both grandmas were at home with the little boy in the afternoon. The mother in law sent my mom to go see what’s going on, go there and stuff like that. I’m just going to note that when I gave birth my first birth, Julia, the room was filled with women, all women. My mom was there, two women nurses. The doctor was a woman. My husband was the only man. The third birth that completely reverses. we have a videotape of it. I don’t think I was yelling out all that much, but I was yelling out a little bit with contractions. And the nurse encouraged me to try to be quiet and reserve my energy. So when they did an episiotomy and then it’s kind of funny because I said, Oh my God, I feel like somebody is cutting me with a knife. And somebody actually was. So I guess I felt all that. But she came out at 412. She was 5 pounds, 13 ounces. she breathed fine. They did not leave her on my belly or let my husband cut the cord. or anything like that they wanted to go pretty quickly into the other room and get her all checked out. But they said if it wasn’t for IVF and when we knew the date she was put in there, like, we wouldn’t think she was early. They didn’t feel like she looked or acted premature. you know, the first 30 minutes or whatever. It was a little hectic. They had her on the side. They were checking her all out. They had somebody from the NICU come down and check her out. But it was all fine. And they gave her back to me. Then the next day Grandma and Nathan came back together and, you know, and stuff like that. So it was really good, positive, happy time. It was. It was awesome.
Kiona 27:43
That’s great. That is so, so beautiful. Did you happen to reflect on your birth compared to your brother’s birth of his son?
Kelli 27:53
I don’t think at the time I reflected, but like if I was like, Now, my God, that was just so traumatic that they went through and mine was just so not traumatic and happy. I mean, of course I was in pain and I can remember my mom getting a little teary eyed watching me be in pain, but. Yeah, It was cool. So, the birth class I told you about. we still have one more session to go. And in that session, they would invite people from the previous class to come back and show their babies and talk about the experience. Well, hello. No, I’ve had the baby already, so I also went there and talked about my experience, and we’re sitting on a little stage. There’s not that many people there. we’re talking about our stages and of course, of course, you know, Julie gets upset and I have to try to breastfeed her, like on stage. I mean, I turned I turned my chair sideways, so I was kind of sideways. I wasn’t in full view on and I had this, cute little nursing shirt, but I was like, Oh my God, here I am, like, on stage, like breastfeeding my baby who’s like six days old or something like that. It was it was kind of wild.
Kiona 28:55
Yeah. So speaking of breastfeeding, how did that breastfeeding journey go with Julia? Were there any complications? Was it smooth sailing? Let us know all the details.
Kelli 29:04
it actually was smooth sailing. I always worried that maybe I wasn’t making enough milk but it went well, it went fine. I think maybe I went back to work, like, October or November, maybe. so I used to pump at work. That was really, thank God, almost all buildings, including like public school buildings, now have gotten with the program and seem to have a lactation room. But not in those days. I had this humongous classroom with two doors. I would like, lock the doors and put up the signs, like, do not come in. But I still remember one time a custodian starting to come in and I’m like, Don’t come in. No, don’t come. the pumping thing was a hassle, but otherwise things went really well.
Kiona 29:50
Yeah. Good. Yeah. I can relate to a similar experience where I was in college and I was pumping for my oldest and they have a nursing room, But it’s a little complicated because the doors are like, you can lock it, but as soon as you turn the handle, it unlocks from the inside. And I didn’t know that. So I would lock it and then I would check to see if it was like. Okay. It’s
Kelli 30:13
And
Kiona 30:13
locked.
Kelli 30:13
you’d really unlock it.
Kiona 30:15
I unlocked it. And then so I sat down and I was pumping and stuff, and then my professor happened to walk in on me when I was pumping and I was like, Oh my gosh. But luckily it was a woman professor and she was like, she already knew
Kelli 30:27
Yeah.
Kiona 30:27
like. You know, like I had just gotten out of her class because the pumping room was also the, break room slash lunchroom for the professor.
Kelli 30:34
Oh, my gosh.
Kiona 30:36
Yeah. And I was like, okay. And there was this like makeshift wall that was put up with a really tall bookshelf. And then there was, you know, a plug in outlet. And then a chair that you could sit on, but it didn’t hide much, so.
Kelli 30:49
Yeah. Yes.
Kiona 30:50
Got to see all the goods.
Kelli 30:52
Yeah, that’s. That whole situation’s kind of crazy.
Kiona 30:56
Yeah.
All right. So tell me how the adjustment with Nathan and Julia was like, now you have two kiddos. How was that for you?
Kelli 31:08
Again. I mean, my whole life hasn’t been peaches and roses, but again, like, I was just like on cloud nine, I had two kids, which I had worked so hard to get, and I was like, so happy. And they they’re close in age, so they would always be like playing together, you know? And then I haven’t talked about it yet, but my husband was able to make his schedule. he worked Saturday, Sunday, Monday, ten hour days, and I worked Monday through Friday and the normal school schedule. So we only had to find childcare for Monday’s. And my mom would often come down one or two Mondays a month. And so, one of us was always home. And things were rolling pretty well at that point.
Kiona 31:49
That’s beautiful. That’s super awesome. So then you have Nathan and you have Julia, and you guys are just living life, and then, boom, what happens?
Kelli 31:59
Yeah. So Well, judging by the age when right after Julia’s first birthday and Nathan would’ve been like two and a half. Of course, I hadn’t been using birth control because it took me six years to get pregnant. I wasn’t worried about that, you know? And we had talked about, do we want a third child? We had talked about it. We hadn’t made a decision yet, you know, but. no birth control and just going about our lives. And it was like November and I, I had gone to I think it was my annual physical or something like that. And so we were talking and maybe I was late or maybe I didn’t even know when I had my period. I don’t know. But, you know, like I said, I was very skeptical and like, Oh, I’m not pregnant, you know, what are the chances after all that stuff I went through that I would be pregnant? And so she said, Well, let’s just do a pregnancy test anyway. Let’s just do it. I remember I had Julie in the bathtub, like, this is like 7:00 at night in the bathtub. I had a glass of red wine with me because I was thinking like, this might be the last chance that I have to drink if I turn up pregnant, you know? So I was in the bathroom and I had that wine there. And then then the doctor called me and she said, Congratulations, you’re pregnant. I’m like, What? No, I’m not, you know? So yeah, that was kind of wild. And I remember I ran downstairs, I told my husband and I was like, What do you think? And he’s like, Well, not much to think about now, lately. Like, he’s kind of saying, like, you can’t turn back. But I was kind of like, Can you be a little more excited or something?
Kiona 33:24
Right, Right. Yeah. That’s so amazing. So after going through two cycles of IVF with an adoption in the middle, you find out that you are just naturally pregnant. So, man, the emotions that you’re probably going through are like, well, the first. off has made. We are having three.
tell me how Talia pregnancy was for you. Was it different at all the.
Kelli 33:50
Yeah, it was a little different. And then, like when you talked about the emotional stuff. around that time, I was having some bouts of depression. I started an antidepressant. It could have been possibly might have been before I got pregnant because we might have switched from Zoloft to Prozac or vice versa because of the pregnancy. I think I got shingles. you know, it’s just more stressful because there’s just more stuff going on in our lives and teaching and all that. So yeah, it was more stressful than the other two. I felt a little down. I remember I was at school and I was super weepy that day, like crying a lot that day. And I had an appointment after school and I went in. to this checkup appointment and the doctor said, Well, you’re not going back to school anymore. And I’m like, What? And she’s like, You’re in labor. She’s like, You’re done with school. I’m like, Okay. I’m like, Oh, my God, like I said, with Julia, I wasn’t worried that she was early. But this was super early, 30.5 weeks. So they transferred me to the hospital. They put me on bed. They gave me a steroid shot to make the lungs develop in case she’s born. I have two toddlers at home. Thank God my mom is a saint. So she came to stay and help my husband with these kids. And I was just there in the hospital and it was super boring because all they would do is just lay in this bed and they would say like, you can get up to go to the bathroom, but that’s it, you know? I read books. think I wrote maybe in a diary or baby book or something. But yeah, it’s just really boring where my mom and my husband were stressed out and, you know, I’m just laying there. One thing I remember, I sold or returned all my materials, like any maternity clothes that I had bought. I told my husband to send back, you know, like. Like I’m not wearing any of those. I’m wearing this hospital gown, and then I’m going to have this baby. So.
Kiona 35:50
As Kelly and I were talking at this time, she let me know that she was on bed rest in the hospital for 11 to 12 days, and then they sent her home she was 32 weeks gestation with the requirement of being on bed rest at home for four more weeks. Once she reached 36 weeks, they considered baby to be term and had no concerns.
Kelli 36:14
So I imagined at 36 weeks I would stand up and she would just come out, you know. But 36 weeks came. and no baby,
I remember my husband and kids going to a wedding during that time, and my mom went with them and I did not go to the wedding. So I do remember laying low for somethings. it was just weird because, yeah, I just assumed she would be born early and she wasn’t. And I was humungous and there’s two things. It’s a happy story and a sad story. But happy story is my brother and his wife and their two sons came down and we went to swimming pool. And you know, like I said, I’d given away all my maturity. So I were bikini all my big old belly hanging out. There was a pool and stuff like that. that was like the 4th of July. That’s what we did for the 4th of July. But my grandmother was dying at the same time, and so I wanted to be induced. I wanted to have the baby so I could get up and visit my grandmother two and a half hours away, you know, they wouldn’t let me travel. And so what I had to do was every morning call and see if they had room for me to come in. And they never did. And Talia ended up coming four days overdue. We went in a couple of times, like my mom was trying to stay here as much as she could so we could go to the hospital. But yet also her mother is dying. So it was a really hard time for her. We went in on July 10th, about 1 a.m. and my mom said, call her at 6 a.m., But at 6 a.m., I was really busy. I couldn’t call. But I told you that would be a contrast. When Talia was born, the room was all men. The doctor was a man. The nurse was a man. My husband was there. A man. And it’s like, cause I told you about the other one. Where I was surrounded by women. This one. I was surrounded by men. It was just. kind of weird. And when I got the Ngubane shot again, but not an epidural, I just kept saying to them, It’s my second time. It’s supposed to be easier. This is the second time. It’s supposed to be easier and stuff like that. But where Julie was 512, Talia was 8 pounds, 9.5 ounces. So she was much, much, much bigger.
Kiona 38:21
Which does not make it easier.
Kelli 38:23
No, no, it’s harder. And I, like I did not have an epidural, but I went back a couple of days later because I’m like, Something’s not right here. And they’re like, Yeah, it’s kind of like ground beef. Don’t kick.
Kiona 38:33
Oh, no.
Kelli 38:35
Just keep an ice pack down there, just like, uh. But when Talia finally came out at 6:50 a.m., they had given me a shot of Ngubane too close to when she actually came out. So when she came out, they put her on my tummy and my husband cut the cord and stuff like that. But then again, boom, She was rushed off to that little side room and they were giving her oxygen and they were doing stuff because she was like, too groggy. She had gotten some of the medicine, the drugs, you know, And she was like not really waking up as much as they wanted to. So like with both girls, they just had to be whisked away and spent some time over there. But she she woke up and then she came back and we breastfed. Stuff like that. The thing that was also funny she was born close to the 4th of July. And, my husband was busy with the other two kids. My mom had a go back home and was busy with her dying mom. And then all the other friends in my life, I guess, were on vacation. I don’t know. It was just Talia and I chillin’ in that room forever. And like I said, they were busy. So they put us in this old part of the hospital had windows that would actually really open. So I remember I had the windows open and she was in a little incubator next to me, and the nurse came in. She’s like, She’s too cold. She either has to snuggle right next to you or I have to take her to nursery. And I’m like, Oh, well, I’ll take her, you know, as I like, put her in my gown and stuff like that. But it was very interesting. It was just her. And I like really no visitors.
Kiona 40:03
Sounds like complete opposite from Julia’s.
Kelli 40:06
Yeah. Yep.
Kiona 40:08
Like
Kelli 40:08
Yep.
Kiona 40:08
down to the sex of the providers. You know.
Kelli 40:11
Yes.
Kiona 40:11
Males. This time, not as much. Family available. Lots of other things going on. And it’s just so interesting, isn’t it, how life just goes on. Life continues and. It’s such an interesting thing to be the person sitting at this life changing moment while knowing everything else than everyone else is still moving on around you.
Kelli 40:32
The rest of the world’s going on. Just. Just she and I here, chillin’ with this moment.
Kiona 40:37
Yeah. So How was your breastfeeding journey with Talia?
Kelli 40:40
It went well. It went fine again. The pumping at work. And I did not really have all that many days left to take because. I’ve had all these other kids and sicknesses and stuff like that. So I made a deal with my principal that I would only take off the first four Wednesdays of the school year. I read somewhere that taking off the wed would help with the breastfeeding. So you have like two days where you have to work and pump and then you have a day where you can relax and just breastfeed and then you do two more days work and pump. so I did that. where I was talking about how blissful everything was with the first two and stuff like that. this was just like, wow, life’s going on and we’re like working and we’re going to funerals and we’re doing stuff and we’re chasing kids and we’re just doing life, you know?
Kiona 41:26
So how was your postpartum mood after Talia? Did it continue to fluctuate? Were you still having depressive moments?
Kelli 41:34
I stayed on antidepressants ever since I was pregnant with her, but it was always very stable, really. Like I didn’t have any severe moments. I wasn’t suicidal, I didn’t have any big breakdowns. You know, I had this the stressors of money and life and all the normal stressors, but I didn’t it was nothing like abnormal but interesting. Talia, starting your freshman year of high school, she’s had a lot of mental health issues. And I always wondered, is that like because I started those antidepressants when I was pregnant with her, or is it because of stressors I had when I was pregnant with her? Or, did any of those things influence her own mental health? I probably will never know. But I always wonder about that.
Kiona 42:20
Yeah, that’s definitely a very interesting concept. and idea because, there is more research coming out. I don’t have any numbers or exact articles or anything, but there is more research coming out about how babies are impacted in the womb. It does. stick with them over time. So that’s definitely something to think about
Kelli 42:40
Yeah. Like I said, that were the other two. I’m like, Yeah, yeah, everything’s perfect. That’s great. Her everything about her was more stressful, and it’s so funny. She was a baby who never liked to sleep. And she was very loud, her cries and when she became like a child her yelling, so very loud. We always said, Oh, that’s it. So steroids just they gave you at 30 weeks, like they developed your lungs too. Well.
Really loud.
Kiona 43:08
you got some really good lungs on you girl.
Kelli 43:09
Yeah. Yep,
Kiona 43:11
Oh,
Kelli 43:11
yep,
Kiona 43:11
that’s
Kelli 43:11
yep,
Kiona 43:11
awesome, man. So, yeah, that sounds awesome. I love hearing the journeys of how you were a mom three times, it was so different every single time. First one is adoption, second one is IVF. The third one is surprise. Like, so this is just a true, true example of how every single time it’s different. So I really do appreciate you sharing your stories with me. And I do just have a three final closing question. For our interview today. My first question is, what is one piece of advice that you would give to all pregnant people to prepare for labor, birth and postpartum?
Kelli 43:47
I would just say, like read, go to classes, visit hospitals, visit doulas, visit whoever you might want to visit. Just learn as much as you can because, knowledge is power. And the more you know, the more you can make a good decision for yourself and your family.
Kiona 44:04
Yeah, absolutely. That’s a great piece of advice. My next question is what is one resource that I can share with my listeners on your behalf?
Kelli 44:13
Resolve. Resolve is a support group for people who are experiencing infertility. And I actually was the president of Resolve for a while when I was going through it here because of the doctors that told me they used to have a chapter, but not nobody was running it. Then I started running it. But then after you get pregnant and you have babies, you don’t really have time or you’re not really appropriate to be running it anymore. So yes, resolve is a very good resource. Thank you.
Kiona 44:41
Yeah. Thank you. my last question for you is, if you could describe each of your berths with one word, what would it be?
Kelli 44:49
I guess Nathan would be Joy. I know it’s not my birth, but getting him was very joyful. Julia’s I know it’s not one word, but it’s It was all surprising, but yet it was very calm and good. And Talia? Oh, it was just. God, I hate to say stressful. When she hears it, I don’t want to feel bad, but there’s just so much more stress that last time than the other time, you know?
Kiona 45:16
Yeah. Yeah. I can relate with you. My third pregnancy and entire birth was stressful. It was very stressful. It was a lot different. And it’s just our lived experience and it’s true. So that’s true to our own, feelings. So I hope that Talia doesn’t get upset when she hears it. Talia, you’re still awesome, I’m sure. But yes. So thank you so much, Kelly. I truly enjoyed hearing these stories because I think it’s very important to talk about the different ways that people become parents, like adoption and the need to access infertility treatments such as IVF. IUI also you got to experience all three ways. Of becoming a parent. So I love that. So thank you.
Kelli 45:59
Thank you.
Outro 46:10
Interviewing Kelli for this episode was actually really educational and the fact that she experienced becoming a parent three different ways is truly amazing. Kelli, thank you so much again for sharing your story with me. I’m sure that the BAWKI listeners are excited to hear it, too. And if you made it this far, you are a true BAWKI listener. So I would really love for YOU to join the birth as we know it. Podcast Private Community on Facebook. You can do that by going to
birthasweknowitpodcast. com/community. And if you’d like this episode, don’t forget to go check out episode 53 with Angela Hodge. She also talks about her experience of a surprise third pregnancy. Do you think she felt similar to Kelli? Go check it out and let me know on the Birth As We Know It Facebook Group. For the next episode I interview a good friend of mine named Elliot Leslie. Elliot talks about the birth of her two kiddos, Adelaide and Brennan. Both of her babies were breech and she talks about what it’s like to have a heart shaped uterus which led her to having two C-sections. All right. Thanks for hanging on this long and I look forward to talking to you again soon. Bye for now.
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